What should you answer if you are a Politician

THE WHAT SHOULD YOU ANSWER BOOK

A different perspective to the famous Proust/Pivot/Lipton questionnaire; a way to tackle the questions with a cheat sheet. Use this shortcut if you have no bloody idea what to say.

What should you answer if you are a Politician Part 1

 

Where would like to be right now?

In the Oval Office.

Who is your favorite President?

All those Presidents who have helped this country become a great nation.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?

The Constitution of the United States.

When are you happiest?

Helping the nation solve its many problems.

When are you sad?

When I cannot do enough to help my country.

Who is your favorite person?

The worker of this nation.

Who is your least favorite person?

The liars and corrupt politicians that smear our reputable reputation.

When do you lie?

Never! I’m like George Washington, I always say the truth.

What is your favorite word?

Freedom!

What is your least favorite word?

Tyranny!

What do you fear?

Market crashes, revolutions, wars, epidemics and poll numbers.

What’s your major defect?

Being honest even if I hurt someone.

What’s your greatest virtue?

Being honest and never hurting anybody.

What’s your motto?

“We, the People…”

What’s your favorite curse word?

Rats!

What’s your favorite book?

Democracy in America by Alexis de Tocqueville.

What’s your favorite movie line?

“Great principles don’t get lost once they come to light. They’re right here; you just have to see them again!” from James Stewart’s Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

What don’t you like about yourself?

That I don’t have enough hands to help the needy.

What trait do you most dislike in others?

Dishonesty.

Whom do you admire?

The people who wait in line for hours to vote.

Whom do you despise?

Dictators and terrorists.

What profession, other than your own, would you to take a stab at?

I’d like to be the captain of a professional sports team.

What profession would you never try?

I’d hate to be a reporter.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

“I voted for you.”

 

(Now this was the main pitch, but behind these answers, the corrupt politician is really thinking something totally different. So, on this premise, we translated Part 1 and came out with Part 2).

What the Politician is really thinking when he answers what he should answer if he is a Politician. Part 2.

Where would you like to be right now?

In the Oval Office, drinking a dry martini.

Who is your favorite President?

Me…soon.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?

The power which comes with this job.

When are you happiest?

When the bloody press is off my back.

When are you sad?

When I realize that if I don’t win an election, I’d have to get back to an 8 to 5 normal job which is very depressing.

Who is your favorite person?

The guys who vote for me and the young tarts who try to seduce me.

Who is your least favorite person?

The opposing party and the press who tries to dig up all these ludicrous phantoms in my closet.

When do you lie?

All the time, I’m a politician for God’s sake!

What is your favorite word?

Power!

What is your least favorite word?

Lawsuit!

What do you fear?

Being poor.

What’s your major defect?

Being a politician.

What’s your greatest virtue?

Knowing how to fool all the suckers who voted for me.

What’s your motto?

“Me, myself and I…”

What’s your favorite curse word?

Fuck off!

What’s your favorite book?

Rasputin: The Saint who Sinned by Moynahan.

What’s your favorite movie line?

“I’m saying that when the President does it, it’s not illegal!” Langella from the Nixon movie. 

What don’t you like about yourself?

There’s nothing I don’t like, that’s why I’m a politician.

What trait do you most dislike in others?

Back stabbing.

Whom do you admire?

The people who wait in line for hours to vote just for me and the ones who convinced them to do so.

Whom do you despise?

Journalists.

What profession, other than your own, would you to take a stab at?

I’d like to be the head of the IMF and the World Bank and have a penthouse apartment in the Rue Montaigne.

What profession would you never try?

Be poor… is that a profession?

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? “You run the casino and the brothel in Heaven, I’ll take care of the rest.”

Copyright© 2012 Marco Miranda. All Rights Reserved.